I LOVE Cheesy Monster Movies

And they just don't get any cheesier than Skeleton Man, which aired tonite on SciFi. For your reading pleasure, my list of what is wrong --- and oh, so right --- with Skeleton Man.

1. The "skeleton man" of this eponymously titled film is supposed to be the spirit of a cursed Native American, defending the bones of his slain tribe. (Actually, he was the one who slayed them; long story, don't ask, not nearly as entertaining as the goofball stuff that's going on in this movie.) However, nothing --- and I do mean NOTHING --- about this guy is Native American. If anything, he looks more like someone who stepped out of Carnivale in Venice right into the Wild West. Even his bloody horse looks like he's never seen a Native American before.

2. Out of the eight super-special, super-secret-ops operatives on the job, fully FOUR of them are women. Does this seem a little unusual to anyone?

3. While the four men of the team are dressed in layers galore, every single one of the women wears only a tank top.

4. Did I mention that these four women super-soldiers are all specialists? Just like Fox Force Five! (Remember? From Pulp Fiction?) For example, one is a sniper-trainer; one is a...I don't remember, but you get the picture. But despite their "obvious" training and "military" bearing, they still flinch when they run across corpses. (Maybe because those who can't do...teach? I don't know, it's just a thought. Nothing else can explain it.)

5. The ancient Native American dude, who gives them the back story on the cursed spirit? When they do his close-up you can tell that he's, like, thirty-five. They just put a long white wig on him (a cheap long white wig) and painted his eyebrows white. My guess is, he also plays another, younger character, but that's pure conjecture on my part. (But the ancient dude gave me my new favorite lines: "Beans is good." and "Them's Army beans." Priceless.)

6. The army guys somehow felt the need to tell their buddy, who has been run-through with a SPEAR, "Hold on, you'll be okay." Really? 'Cause in that case I want them with me if I'm ever, for example, put through a thresher, or a mangle.

7. Apparently, if you have a spirit-spear it can explode people's heads. Not just poke them and stick there; explode on contact.

8. Poor Michael Rooker, who is desperately strapped for cash if he took this job, was forced to say, "Go! Save yourself!" And, "It's over. It's over...." I kid you not.

And there's more, but I don't want to spoil it for you. Suffice it to say, I'm enjoying the movie immensely. Just probably not how the filmmakers wanted me to.

It's like a FilmFakers script, only better because I get two hours of joy! So a heartfelt thank you, (writer) Frederick Bailey. Thank you, (director) Johnny Martin. My evening was just a little bit brighter, because of you and your vision.