If I Were a Famous Work of Art, I Would Be...

From the Lake, No. 1 by Georgia O'Keeffe

What Famous Work of Art Are You?

The Heavy Bear Who Goes With Me

Delmore Schwartz

"the withness of the body" –Whitehead

The heavy bear who goes with me,
A manifold honey to smear his face,
Clumsy and lumbering here and there,
The central ton of every place,
The hungry beating brutish one
In love with candy, anger, and sleep,
Crazy factotum, dishevelling all,
Climbs the building, kicks the football,
Boxes his brother in the hate-ridden city.

Breathing at my side, that heavy animal,
That heavy bear who sleeps with me,
Howls in his sleep for a world of sugar,
A sweetness intimate as the water's clasp,
Howls in his sleep because the tight-rope
Trembles and shows the darkness beneath.
--The strutting show-off is terrified,
Dressed in his dress-suit, bulging his pants,
Trembles to think that his quivering meat
Must finally wince to nothing at all.

That inescapable animal walks with me,
Has followed me since the black womb held,
Moves where I move, distorting my gesture,
A caricature, a swollen shadow,
A stupid clown of the spirit's motive,
Perplexes and affronts with his own darkness,
The secret life of belly and bone,
Opaque, too near, my private, yet unknown,
Stretches to embrace the very dear
With whom I would walk without him near,
Touches her grossly, although a word
Would bare my heart and make me clear,
Stumbles, flounders, and strives to be fed
Dragging me with him in his mouthing care,
Amid the hundred million of his kind,
the scrimmage of appetite everywhere.

You Had Me At Your Badass Homepage Image

The coolest site ---- bar NONE --- for shopping right now has got to be Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab and it's sister site, Black Phoenix Trading Post. I am not kidding. If this site was a person, I'd be stripped down to my panties already; I'm hot and bothered, I tell ya!

I simply cannot explain the experience of browsing Black Phoenix, but let's just say you have to be intrigued by a shop that creates a limited edition line of fragrance called "Springtime in Arkham". (I'm a well-documented Lovecraft geek, so my heart is a-flutter.) If you can't choose between Al Azif, Cuthulhu, or Miskatonic University, you can always spring for the Gibbering Madness sampler pack. But hurry; these particular scents are only available until June 1, 2005.

That don't rock your boat? Howsabout something from the Mad Tea Party line? Now you can smell like your favorite character from the classic story. (Sorry, Spittingonmissamerica, no Dina.)

Please do yourself a favor and check it out; even if you don't like fragrance or cool fucking tshirts, you will enjoy the clip art and the poetic, well-considered descriptions. And if you do like scent, you can be sure no one else at the mall is gonna smell like you!

Interpret My Dream

This oughta be good.....

Ok, so last night I dreamt that I was wandering through this big hotel. I was looking for a man about getting a job. I was dressed respectably, but shabbily; if I didn't find this person to talk about this job I was going to be out on the street, and I was desperate and terrified, but I could not find my way to where I was supposed to talk to this person.

Suddenly, I bumped into Jennifer Aniston. I asked her several times, with increasing urgency, to help me contact this man I was supposed to see about the job. She pretty much blew me off, like she had her own problems (you know, Brad) and just couldn't be bothered with mine. Then she swept off with her entourage and her glittery evening gown, and just left me standing there.

I was so frustrated and frantic I just wanted to cry. Then it was like I was looking back on myself, and I was Jennifer Aniston!

I have a few ideas about this, but I'm interested to hear what you think.

That's Just, Like, Your Opinion, Man

According to the "Which Big Lebowski character are you?" quiz:

Why don't you check it out? Or we cut off your Johnson!

It'll help you pick out your costume for the Louisville Lebowskifest.

BTW, the Problem Was....

The thing that was screwing up my laptop, in case you're wondering, is a little something called "TBPS.exe". Or, as I like to call it, Satan's Little Helper. If you're computer is acting crazy, check out your task manager. If you see it there --- and you will, as it's sucking 200+kb away from your poor, struggling computer --- you must find and remove the tool bar it's associated with. I worked two whole days on it and, with the help of a computer-pro friend, FINALLY managed to rid myself of this terrible plague.

One thing that really helped was a free download called "HijackThis", which had a lot of good information and tools.

So that's that.

Until the next one comes along..........

Yikes!

I waited far too long to take care of my injured toe, and this is the result. I go to the podiatrist tomorrow --- I dread to think what he's going to do. Trust me, this looks much, MUCH worse in person.

How was I injured? Well, it all started when Small Dog escaped, waddling at a snail's pace across our looooong front yard (he's a fattish Chihuahua, remember) and one of our neighbours was driving down our looooong hill, and I panicked at the tragedy that was playing out before my eyes. I made a final, superhuman lunge at the leash, stomping with my clog-clad foot. Alas, the clog slid forward; my foot did not. My great toe took the brunt of the punishment, but the love of my life was saved from becoming road kill.

Now my toe looks like road kill. Yuk. Wish me luck; I'll let you know how it goes.


Posted by Hello

Otis Lee Crenshaw is My New Boyfriend

Why, oh why is he so popular in Scotland and so neglected here in the States?? It is not fair. Check him out if you can, it's a pleasant --- albeit extremely strange --- ride.


Posted by Hello

Oh, It's All Go Here

Ha ha, that was a pun.

Ok, I talked a little bit about my neighbours' son and our little heart-to-heart about canine constipation in a comment on my friend lavidalisa's blog, but it's part of this story. If you've already read it, you may skip ahead.

Alright. My dog, Che, eats paper. It's a treat for him; after a biscuit, there's nothing he likes better than a subscription card. If we don't watch him carefully, he will unwind and eat half a roll of bath tissue. If I want him to behave, I tempt him with one square of tissue, and he's putty in my hands. Because he sneaks paper between his sanctioned "treats", he is sometimes, well, constipated. To be perfectly frank.

So one afternoon we were in the yard, waiting for Che to do his thing, and I was talking with my neighbours' son, who is a very nice person but a bit of a know-it-all. In the middle of our conversation, Che suddenly began whimpering and very obviously looking at his bottom in a distressed way. Of course my neighbour wanted to know what was happening, so I had to admit that 1) my dog eats paper, b) we somewhat condone this, and 3) it makes him constipated and confused.

"Oh," says my neighbour, "you wanna give him some applesauce. Works like a charm." Very matter of fact.

Oh, well, then. Applesauce it is. How it is he knows this, off the top of his head, I don't think I want to know. But, out of pure desperation, I gave it a try and he's right; it works like a charm. Huh.

Fast forward to this Saturday, which was Che's birthday. We also celebrate Yma's then, because she's a rescue and we're not sure when her real birthday is.

Anyway, I decided to have a little birthday party for the dogs. Invited a couple of people, then realized I should probably get the dogs a little cake or something. You know, festive. So I went 'round to the organic doggy bakery to pick up some favors for the guests' pups back home and a cake or something special for our guys.

Now, if you were going to purchase a little cake or muffin, given the information earlier, what flavour would you choose? Would it be, oh, pumpkin or cheese or liver flavour?

Yeah, that's you.

Me, I went for the applesauce muffins.

Yes, applesauce.

I'll let you just mull that over for a minute....

Well, I'll just close by saying that four days of diarrhea will run you $158 for an 11 pound Chihuahua.

My Computer Has Worms!

But my darling husband fixed them for me (fingers crossed, knock wood). Seems the little effer was glomming all my laptop's strength whenever I started the internet, much like Delilah cutting Samson's wavy golden locks. We still have no idea how it got there, but I have been strictly admonished to STOP DOWNLOADING FROM THE INTERNET!

I'm not gonna argue, since I'm not the one who figured out a) what the problem was and 2) how to fix it.

Anyway, with luck I will be able to post a little more consistently from now on, although --- just as with worms of the canine intestinal variety --- one must be ever vigilant, and anticipate occasional re-occurrence. Let's all keep our fingers crossed.....

Arrrgh! My Pirate Name Be...

Mad Anne Vane

"Every pirate is a little bit crazy. You, though, are more than just a little bit. You tend to blend into the background occasionally, but that's okay, because it's much easier to sneak up on people and disembowel them that way. Arr!"

Get your own pirate name at fidius.org.